Why Women Stay In Bad Relationships

I'm working on my sixth year in a relationship that has caused me far more sadness, depression, anger, and fear than any type of remote happiness. Two wonderful boys are the product of the abuse ridden relationship, but I couldn't name anything else positive about it. Even "good" times seem empty. We have absolutely nothing in common, no real conversation exists, there is no bond, no friendship; nothing. Before I moved closer to my family, I had absolutely no freedom. I couldn't go out with friends and I seldom saw my family. As if that wasn't enough, I had to share everything I had with him since he didn't work, had no car or even his own cell phone. I did everything (i.e. school, working and raising the kids) while taking not only his physical abuse but mental and verbal abuse from his family particularly his mother who never holds him responsible for anything probably because she can't face the demons that led her to raising such a monster.

Fast forward to now where I have a little more control over my life but am still unhappy. I'm not even sure that there is love in the relationship, we simply co-exist. He's unwilling to move back in with his mother, so he basically refuses to let the relationship go. I hate it too, yet, I've been mostly here for the full five years.

People don't understand why women stay with jerks. Hell, most of the time we don't know why we stay either. If I had to narrow down some reasons, here are a few.

NOTE: I'm not saying anyone ever SHOULD stay in any relationship that makes them unhappy. If you're unhappy and your partner hurts you, you should never have to be subjected to that. These are simply my reasons and reasons that someone else out there in a similar situation may be able to relate to. I am not by any means saying these are reasons anyone should stay in a hurtful or unhappy situation.

1) The kids. You hear people say they stay for the kids and then the speech follows about how you shouldn't. I actually agree with this. Especially if your relationship is like mine and the kids are presented with a confusing parental structure because you and your mate can't stand each other. The reason this excuse is relevant however is because face it, raising kids alone is hard work. That's not to say it can't be done because as we know millions of women do it every day all day long. But when you have a man that is willing to be an active participant in his kids lives, despite your personal grievances, it's hard to sever those ties.

2) Sex. It's pretty much self-explanatory. Though it seems ridiculous, going too long without it is enough to have you texting them back, responding to the phone calls, and inviting them over to "talk." Pretty soon, you've decided that maybe things aren't so bad and the saga continues.

3) Fear. In violent relationships, fear is common. It's a driving factor for the abuser and he (or she) uses it to manipulate the other. But it's not always this type of fear. It can be fear of the unknown. Fear of facing everyone after a "failed" relationship. Fear of starting over. Fear of being a single parent. Fear that things won't "work out." Fear that you'll never get any peace from him/her anyway! Most of all, fear of being alone. Some people stay just for the sake of staying.

4) Financial Reasons. Though not a major problem for me because I've been the main provider for the majority of the time, a lot of people have acquired so many things as a unit they simply can't see functioning alone nor are they [yet] willing to make the sacrifices to adjust to what being less an income entails.

5) Self-Esteem. This is probably the single most common thread; not feeling worthy. This is also the hardest because often it's deeply ingrained and takes a lot of work to repair. The worst part is that staying in the relationship does nothing to build the self-esteem and the longer you stay the worse your self-esteem can become. The weak self-esteem is usually the driving force perpetuating the cycle. Questions like who else will want me, or maybe if I wasn't so [insert self-loathing thought] begin to pervade the psyche. Then we may reflect on abandonment or abuse issues from childhood or throughout life that we suffered from parents, friends, siblings or peers. For some women, while suffering a mental and/or physical hell in the relationship such situations may not be too far outside of the "norm" they've grown accustomed to. Or they may not believe there is anything better and even if there is something better they believe they certainly don't deserve to have it.

So tonight is another night like all the rest. I'll keep all my thoughts to myself because I could never get an intelligent conversation out of him and nine times out of ten not even a response. Before I close my eyes I'll ask myself why do I continue to stay and the answer will be the same; I'll get out of here eventually.

Hair Obsession

Recently I've began wearing wigs.

The debate concerning black women and hair has been a long going one. The latest argument is natural (as in hair that is free of relaxers vs. relaxed or weaves/wigs). I personally respect women who wear their hair natural. It's not really my style but I respect the transition and I especially respect all of the camaraderie it seems to evoke among black women. I do sometimes wonder why all the buzz about hair anyway? But on second thought, do I really have to wonder? 

I used to boast one of the prettiest heads of hair among black women, or at least the ones that I knew. It was long, fluffy, thick, and easy to style. Every where I went I seemed to get a slew of compliments and/or envious stares. I knew my hair was hot and I was damn proud of it. When I first started losing my hair, it still maintained its thickness and length. The hair loss, located mainly on one side in the front of my scalp, began as only a minimal change, but since my hair still looked luminous and full I was able to work with it without it drastically affecting my self-esteem. As the issue progressed, my condition was accompanied by headaches, painful bumps on the scalp that would ooze and bleed at times. I still got compliments on my hair, but it was much more of a noticeable change. Now, my hair has lost a lot of its thickness as well as it's length and the hair loss is so prominent I can't go to a salon without an embarrassing conversation where I try to explain to the stylist how my many trips to the doctor have left me with no definite answers or successful treatment about my obvious scalp problem.

Since my self-esteem is and has been a roller coaster of mostly lows for as long as I can remember, I go through periods where I'm extremely into my outer appearance and periods where I'm extremely withdrawn from it. It's always on my mind for sure, but it doesn't always have my attention. Recently, I started to go through one of my more apathetic periods. I didn't bother to take care of my hair and it definitely started to show. One particular day after work, I decided to go and get it relaxed. I was sure everything would be fine once I saw the finished product. No doubt, it looked much better than it had since I started neglecting it, but no where near the beautiful Farrah Faucet 'do I used to flaunt almost effortlessly. I had been thinking about purchasing a wig before this trip to the salon, and I knew the time had come. I was going to see what the fake hair was all about.

I reasoned with myself that practically everyone was wearing it and that most of the biggest stars such as Beyonce' even wear added hair and wigs. I went into a wig store and purchased a half wig, black and wavy and it looked surprisingly natural. Three weeks later, I currently own five wigs.

Still, I feel the same way I used to about wigs and weaves when I was sporting my own hair. I somehow feel inferior to women wearing their natural hair. I guess I see how some women believe weaves and wigs are some kind of a cop out. Especially with wigs, they're fool proof. I'm used to spending hours in a salon just to achieve a style that might last three weeks with lots of maintenance and upkeep, and now I throw on a hair piece and walk out the door. I also feel that I no longer have that quality that stood me apart from the millions of black women who had resulted to wigs or weaves. I undoubtedly wear wigs because I feel I have to. Even though some of them are cute and definitely less hassle than my own natural hair, nothing compares to having heads turn to what's naturally yours. 

On the other hand IT'S JUST HAIR. It's shouldn't even be that serious how someone styles her hair or if it's real or not. But the truth is, it does matter. A lot of black women are obsessed with hair. Then again, maybe a lot of black women aren't obsessed with hair. Maybe a lot of black women wear fake hair for the same reason I do, convenience, less of a hassle, more options than you could ever possibly have with your own hair... I could go on for days. Maybe my real struggle is knowing I might have to permanently sever the relationship I had with my own natural hair. Maybe this whole experience was to teach me not to place such importance for what at the end of the day is mostly a trivial thing.

Either way, I'll continue to wear wigs and experiment with other ways to make up for what I consider lack with my own hair. The real challenge will be to keep from feeling inferior about anything but especially hair. I guess I've learned my lesson boasting about hair. What she loves the most she'll lose. That's definitely proved true in this case. Maybe the next time I'm going about my day to day tasks, I won't look around the scalp area of another black woman wondering if it's a lacefront, tracks, or a sew-in that's she's rocking. It's really not that important. What's important is me and how I feel about this new change in my life. At the end of the day, it's just hair.