Why Women Stay In Bad Relationships

I'm working on my sixth year in a relationship that has caused me far more sadness, depression, anger, and fear than any type of remote happiness. Two wonderful boys are the product of the abuse ridden relationship, but I couldn't name anything else positive about it. Even "good" times seem empty. We have absolutely nothing in common, no real conversation exists, there is no bond, no friendship; nothing. Before I moved closer to my family, I had absolutely no freedom. I couldn't go out with friends and I seldom saw my family. As if that wasn't enough, I had to share everything I had with him since he didn't work, had no car or even his own cell phone. I did everything (i.e. school, working and raising the kids) while taking not only his physical abuse but mental and verbal abuse from his family particularly his mother who never holds him responsible for anything probably because she can't face the demons that led her to raising such a monster.

Fast forward to now where I have a little more control over my life but am still unhappy. I'm not even sure that there is love in the relationship, we simply co-exist. He's unwilling to move back in with his mother, so he basically refuses to let the relationship go. I hate it too, yet, I've been mostly here for the full five years.

People don't understand why women stay with jerks. Hell, most of the time we don't know why we stay either. If I had to narrow down some reasons, here are a few.

NOTE: I'm not saying anyone ever SHOULD stay in any relationship that makes them unhappy. If you're unhappy and your partner hurts you, you should never have to be subjected to that. These are simply my reasons and reasons that someone else out there in a similar situation may be able to relate to. I am not by any means saying these are reasons anyone should stay in a hurtful or unhappy situation.

1) The kids. You hear people say they stay for the kids and then the speech follows about how you shouldn't. I actually agree with this. Especially if your relationship is like mine and the kids are presented with a confusing parental structure because you and your mate can't stand each other. The reason this excuse is relevant however is because face it, raising kids alone is hard work. That's not to say it can't be done because as we know millions of women do it every day all day long. But when you have a man that is willing to be an active participant in his kids lives, despite your personal grievances, it's hard to sever those ties.

2) Sex. It's pretty much self-explanatory. Though it seems ridiculous, going too long without it is enough to have you texting them back, responding to the phone calls, and inviting them over to "talk." Pretty soon, you've decided that maybe things aren't so bad and the saga continues.

3) Fear. In violent relationships, fear is common. It's a driving factor for the abuser and he (or she) uses it to manipulate the other. But it's not always this type of fear. It can be fear of the unknown. Fear of facing everyone after a "failed" relationship. Fear of starting over. Fear of being a single parent. Fear that things won't "work out." Fear that you'll never get any peace from him/her anyway! Most of all, fear of being alone. Some people stay just for the sake of staying.

4) Financial Reasons. Though not a major problem for me because I've been the main provider for the majority of the time, a lot of people have acquired so many things as a unit they simply can't see functioning alone nor are they [yet] willing to make the sacrifices to adjust to what being less an income entails.

5) Self-Esteem. This is probably the single most common thread; not feeling worthy. This is also the hardest because often it's deeply ingrained and takes a lot of work to repair. The worst part is that staying in the relationship does nothing to build the self-esteem and the longer you stay the worse your self-esteem can become. The weak self-esteem is usually the driving force perpetuating the cycle. Questions like who else will want me, or maybe if I wasn't so [insert self-loathing thought] begin to pervade the psyche. Then we may reflect on abandonment or abuse issues from childhood or throughout life that we suffered from parents, friends, siblings or peers. For some women, while suffering a mental and/or physical hell in the relationship such situations may not be too far outside of the "norm" they've grown accustomed to. Or they may not believe there is anything better and even if there is something better they believe they certainly don't deserve to have it.

So tonight is another night like all the rest. I'll keep all my thoughts to myself because I could never get an intelligent conversation out of him and nine times out of ten not even a response. Before I close my eyes I'll ask myself why do I continue to stay and the answer will be the same; I'll get out of here eventually.